Tuesday, September 02, 2008

What's been happening, you ask?

Daisies on lightbox (taken in Aug 2007)

I was looking at my photos in iPhoto yesterday, mostly because Photography Club was last night, and I realised that I haven't been taking photos. Or writing any blog entries. Or feeling as though I'm doing much of anything that I used to do before, really. Its not because I'm not doing anything but what I'm doing now is so different to what I was doing a year ago.

The upside of my current interests is that I'm not watching television, but when I do its because its a programme I really enjoy. Even then I record it so that I don't waste time watching adverts. Now, if I'm blobbing out in front of the TV, I can only last a short time before I'm picking up a book instead or even getting up to do the dishes.

But every now and then I do fall back into my bad habit of staying up waaaaayy too late to watch absolute rubbish and end up going to bed at 2am or later. I get so frustrated with myself when I do this because its not as if I was watching anything worth while even. Luckily, I've asked I. to come back downstairs when I do this and to tell me to go to bed (yes, like I'm a 5 year old) and this mostly works. I've promised that I won't yell at him when he does this and I generally go to bed at that point.

Its like I can only last so long before I do something to sabotage any good habits I've developed. I don't know why I do this but in this last week I've noticed something about myself - I've been waiting for me to let myself down in some way, which I did this weekend. I won't be sharing it because I'm not proud of it! But the point is, is that I'm setting myself up to fail. Its like I know I can't keep up the new habit/behaviour/goal so I just wait until I go into sabotage mode (it can take months) and then go "see, I just can't do it" and try to give it up.

When this happens, I then have the perfect "out" so that I don't have to keep going with it PLUS I get to prove that I'm unreliable so don't expect anything of me because you know I'll just let you down! Its an excellent strategy for keeping myself small, which is not what I'm up for.

What am I trying to say? Hmmm, a little bit scary but I think its that I'm no longer going to give myself that option of giving up. Its no longer available. Sorry. That door has closed.

What's next? Picking myself up off the mat when I do fail/give up/whinge and have another go. My favourite quote at the moment is the famous one by Winston Churchill: 'Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.'



Blogger goooooood girl said...

So good......

9:03 PM  

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